Modest fashion just seems like an oxymoron to me. The idea behind modesty seems to be making yourself unappealing– or at least sexually unappealing– but the fashion blogs seem to stress dressing in a feminine, attractive way. Which… if you’re looking “feminine” and “attractive”, it seems like you’re still cultivating sexual appeal, just a different type of sexual appeal. It seems to invoke a spirity of coyness, rather than blatantness, and to still be courting male attention, but trying to shift responsibility off the self by saying that it’s modest.
A lot of “modest fashion” is rather similar to what I wear on a daily basis when I’m making an effort to look nice, if I subbed out jeans for a knee length skirt. And yet, that effort to look nice isn’t just an effort to look dressed– it’s an effort to look attractive to my husband, while being context appropriate. Meaning, I might slut it up for a late night date, but for an afternoon at the coffee shop, I need to have my boobs covered, but I still want to get him thinking of me as a sexual being. I just want to minimize strange men staring at me, while enticing my husband to. So it’s a coyness– All my naughty bits are covered up, and I’m not wearing anything skin tight, but the hint is still there and it’s still sexy. and… it looks just like some of the modest fashion I’ve seen. Hell, some modest fashion style manages to draw even more attention to the breasts than what I normally wear– outfits with cinched lowcut vests over white dress shirts or tops with ruffles may not be revealing, but they aren’t exactly turning the mind away from breasts, you know?
It bothers me for a couple of reasons. The first is that the idea that women should dress modest is insulting to men. The second is that it practically asks people to be judgemental of those who don’t fit their idea of “modesty”. And the one that’s most relevant to the idea of modest fashion is that it’s hypocritical. If you want to truly be modest, why are you spending so much time on trying to look attractive? You’re just a different side of the coin that you claim you’re trying to not be.
Sex drive is such a weird thing. Yesterday evening, my husband went to initiate sex with me, but I just wasn’t in the mood at all, and couldn’t get in the mood enough to do it. Today, I was so impatient, trying to wait until he was finished with something so that I could come on to him. And it was greeeeaaaat, except I got him a little too excited and it didn’t last as long as I’d have liked. But somedays I want it to be a quickie. Sometimes I like to be on top, sometimes I like him on top. Sometimes I like it to be rough and violent, sometimes I like it to be sweet and sensitive and tender.
I can’t ever give a meaningful description of my sex drive, because I don’t want it everyday, but the days I do want it I tend to want plenty of repeats. And I can’t say what kind of sex I like best, because it’s so very tied to my mood at that moment.
If I had to pick, I’d say that my favorite is a modified missionary, with my legs up in the air. But I also love cowgirl style. And sometimes I like being bent over. And I like spooning and cuddle sex.
This all leads me to another thought– if sexual interest and sex preferences can vary so much in one person, how can anyone try to generalize sex preferences for an entire gender? And yet, I’m always reading “women like x” in regards to sex and men.
If I had to pick one word to define me…. well, there are a lot of words I’d pick, and so I wouldn’t.
But hesitancy would be one of the top choices. It’s a flaw, and a weakness, and I hate it so, so much, but I am HESITANT. I don’t want to offend, I don’t want to mess up, I don’t want to make a bad impression, and so I wait, and I hesitate. It doesn’t really matter how important or serious or involved it is, it’s just the fact that it involves another person and action and that makes me second guess every word I write, and makes me delay starting and finishing, and I’ll edit an email then wait to send it till the next morning when I can check it over and make sure I didn’t leave anything important out–
And then, I send it, and it ends up being so simple, and so much later than anything of its sort needs to be, and I’ve lost the face I was so desperately trying to save.
So this blog is an exercise in unhesitancy. In writing, and not worrying about perfect, or even about having all my research and thoughts linked and documented and backed it. It’s an exercise in unfiltered expression, brutal honesty, and confronting myself and my fears. I’m sure it will mostly be ramblings about the life of a housewife, or about sex, or gossip, but still. A lack of hesitancy. A lack of putting things off. An embracing of short drafts, and telling people to go google the research their own damn selves,